


Not Okay

by DarkenedHeart



Series: Fighting To Love You [5]
Category: Conviction (TV 2016)
Genre: AU, Canon Divergence, Conner "may" be becoming unhinged, Conner POV, Conner-Central, Goes with the Series, Mild Use of Canon, Not A Happy Ending, OOC, S01E10, Vague hints and bland statements of intercourse, references to the episode "Not Okay"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 23:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9521204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkenedHeart/pseuds/DarkenedHeart
Summary: Conner's self-hatred grows after he sleeps with Hayes.He curses himself for his mistake. Then he tries to talk to Sam again...At the end of the day, Conner is still losing an unwinnable battle. (With himself and Sam.)





	

It was a mistake. He messed up. NO-NO-NO-NO!

Conner gets up while a naked Hayes lies asleep in the bed beside him. He dresses, packs, and leaves before the woman even stirs. He makes sure the rooms are paid for before he leaves Indiana for home.

 

Back in his own apartment, he shrubs his body sore as he curses himself continually.

What was wrong with him? Why was he trying to jeopardize ANY chance to get back with Sam? The hole was still there. The pit of despair and hate was growing.

Conner groans when he thinks about Sam, his hand around his length completely by accident. He jerks off with the man's name on his lips and he finds himself more sated than when he was with Hayes.

He really did himself in this time. Hopefully Hayes would see what they did as what it was. A one-time mistake that should never have happened.

\---

Hayes is a force not to be trifled with. She has her case, won't be dissuaded, and she marches into Conner's office after speaking with her team to casually talks around what happened between them. 

"It's the first time I was the one left in the bed," she tells him, eyes darting to his as she waits for an explanation.

"What happened in Indiana, stays in Indiana," he assures her. "You just focus on your case."

He walks out of the office so he doesn't have to watch how she takes the statement. After everything that Hayes had done to her various lovers, she won't be one to scorn a man for a one-night-stand. Conner is sure of it.

Now he just had to wait until he can get a moment alone with Sam...

\---

Conner waits for Sam to return to the CIU, but when the brunette doesn't appear again after leaving with Francine, he drives to the man's apartment. Finally, he'd have some alone time with Sam.

 

Standing outside Sam's apartment, Conner's heart keeps leaping in his chest as he waits for a response from his knocks. He tries the doorbell twice in quick succession next, his feet bouncing on the top step as he impatiently waits.

After the fourth ring, Sam opens the door with a stormy expression.

"What do you want, Wallace?" the younger man barks.

"To talk to you," Conner frowns. Wasn't it obvious? "We need to talk, Sam."

"Unless it's work related, we're done talking." Sam moves to close the door again but Conner steps forwards to stop him, one hand on the door and half of his body in the other man's apartment. "Move," the brunette orders.

"Sam, please," Conner tries to look into other man's eyes but he refuses to make contact. "Just...Let me get this off my chest."

With a defeated sigh, Sam steps back and away from the door, leaving Conner to enter and close it behind him.

"You have five minutes," Sam warns the other man, checking his watch before crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at his uninvited visitor.

"I made a mistake," Conner confesses. 'Several actually.' He inwardly corrects. "I should never have let you go so easily. I'm sorry, Sam. I want to do better."

"You want to get laid," the brunette returns angrily, glances at his watch, then grumbles. "Three minutes."

"You're not even going to give me a chance?" Conner growls, hands tightening into fists. "You're just going to drop everything we ever were to each other? All our years together? Just like that?"

"Yes!" Sam snaps. "You aren't going to change, Conner! You want your world to be perfect. You want people to follow your orders as you sit atop your self-made throne. I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be and I never will be. It's best to give up before it's too late. Before we can't make connections with people who actually want to go the distance in an actual, healthy relationship!"

"No one will ever be you, Sam!" the other man argues, stepping closer. "There's a hole in my heart! You put it there!"

"So... What?" Sam uncrosses his arms. "I should let you drag me back into your shadow? Allow myself to be your 'dirty little secret' because YOUR feelings are hurt?"

"No! I can- In time I could-" Conner stumbles over his own words as he tries to visualize coming out over the news with an underling in his newly minted CIU. Would the unit even survive? Social media would have a field day. What would his family at home think?

A soft laugh snaps his focus back on the man in front of him.

"You can't see it," Sam's eyes are wet as he glares back at Conner. "You can't see how selfish you are. Even now, you're not thinking about me. About how to make things up with me. You're thinking about the ramifications of coming out will be. You're thinking about your reputation. The reputation of the CIU. You can't get your head out of your own affairs, Wallace. It's just how you're built."

"I'm not letting you go, Sam," Conner tells the other man. He can't. 

"That's fine," the brunette returns stiffly. "Because I've already let you go."

Sam motions his head to the door.

"You know the way out."

Conner takes a step forwards instead and fear flashes in Sam's eyes as he takes a stumbling one back.

Conner stops, frozen in the fear of his lover's eyes. He knew they were working a rape case. Did Sam honestly think that he would do that to him? Had the thought entered his mind? If it had, why? What had Conner done to deserve such a reaction?

Shoulders dropping, Conner slowly steps back towards the door. He's there too soon and has to turn to reach the handle and step out of the way to open it.

"I really do love you," Conner offers quietly before stepping out of his lover's apartment and back into the darkness of outside that barely matched the self-pointed hate of his heart.

\---

Conner throws himself into his own work. He needed to calm down. To let Sam breathe after their last encounter. 

He's returning from a bathroom break when he sees a picture of Oscar Zapala on the board for the case the team is working on.

"Is he a suspect?" he asks Tess, who was alone in the room at the time.

"He's a father of one of the girls who was raped," the blonde answers. "Sam went to interview him."

"You let him go near a dangerous criminal alone?" he snaps at the woman.

"Ex-criminal. He's been clean for years," she returns, her face scrunching in concern. "Are you feeling alright, DA Wallace?"

"I'm fine," he growls, leaving the woman to head back to his office. 

\- -

It's hours of prickled skin and hesitation over texting or ordering back-up before Sam returns to the building.

Conner melts when he sees the brunette walk towards his teammates to talk about the case. Tess pulls him aside for a moment, head ducked as she minutely points in Conner's direction. He was never so grateful to have glass walls. He sees Sam put on his fake smile, barely glance at him, then his teammate is smiling more genuinely at Sam and nodding her head before walking away.

The smile falls as Sam turns away and Conner's gut twists as he forces his eyes back to his work.

\---

Hayes solves her case. Gets her man -woman in this case- and all is well with the CIU for one more day. Sam is all smiles with someone over the phone as he trots out of the building. Conner closes his door to read over a file with a glass of alcohol.

 

He's surprised when Hayes returns to the building, looking at him with an open expression that sends guilt through his veins.

"I want in."

"On?"

"Us. You and me. All of it. For real this time."

Conner curses as he looks away. He thought Hayes understood. That what they had was a fluke. Something to be ignored. 

Obviously, he was wrong.

"Am I too late?" Hayes says nervously, her eyes becoming guarded as her hand moves to cup her elbow in a loose arm cross.

"I'm sorry, Hayes," Conner offers genuinely. 

"It's Naomi," the woman nods, thinking she understands. "You're not really over her at all."

"No," he shakes his head. "But I am involved with someone. Someone I have to prove myself to before I can hope to be with again."

"Again?" Hayes huffs. "Sounds like one of my love affairs...Maybe that's..." she shrugs, looking away. "Maybe that's what attracted me to you. I could sense another broken soul."

"I'm sorry," he repeats, reaching for his drink. "I hope this doesn't change anything."

"What would it change?" she remarks nonchalantly. "Like you said. What happens in Indiana. Stays in Indiana."

Then Hayes is gone. Leaving Conner to mourn his own feelings over alcohol and work.

 

\--- - --- -- --- - ---

**Author's Note:**

> Stealing the actual episode Title worked out pretty well for me.  
> \--- - ---  
> *I am legally inclined to state I own nothing.*


End file.
